Thursday, October 8, 2015
Today kind of hit me as to how hard it is to go through cancer with a loved one. My dad's cancer came back after being clear for almost 5 years. He described that he was inserted with a tube today and will get injections that way. They had to skip treatment today as his white blood counts are low. I really don't know what all of that means, but I know it's not good.
He doesn't feel well much of the time. I haven't seen him as much as I want to, but part of it might be that I am scared. My imagination gets a hold of me and I imagine life without him and that gets me very sad.
I am a very positive person on most occasions and will keep things positive if I see you face to face, but in my times of solitude I cry. Often alone and praying to God.
My dad was someone that took us to church when none of us knew what it was as little kids and didn't always want to go since it was in a language we didn't know (Korean). He brought strangers to our family dinners when the rest of us resented a stranger among us because I was too young to know his kind heart. I would roll my eyes (in my mind) when he would explain the scientific causes to things when all I was asking is for an answer to my science question (he was a PhD in Marine Biology and a true scientist to the core and still is). My dad was someone I would play racquetball with as a preteen and started to beat him in it as I became a teen and he would give me the challenge I needed to get better. My dad was the dreamer that always dreamed of a better life and better world for us and still dreams to this day. I continue to dream as his legacy was passed on to me. My dad loved life and loved to explore the world, but when his treatment started, somehow, he wasn't loving his life as much and I became sad.
You see, in his life he had faith in God and through disappointments and being let down by people he loved and a community he loved, he lost that hope in people and ultimately in God. He is a brave man that endured living through the end of a world war, but also uprooting and starting a life in South America. He met my mom there and fell in love and after starting a family, he uprooted again to America so that we could have a better future, which I will forever be grateful for. My life would be so different if I lived somewhere else.
My tears are not just for the unknown future, but also of the sadness of never seeing my father again after this life. He led me to the Savior himself, but left me there and turned his back on that Savior I have grown to love and follow. My tears are for the fact he lost hope and believes that after this life there is no purpose and hope. With that same hopeless outlook, there is no purpose or need for prayer. To me having lost hope is the saddest thing of all.
Even though he doesn't believe, I will still pray for him. I will pray for hope and for his faith to return. This faith was something my grandma had and even though we didn't speak the same language, I knew she loved me and prayed for me during rough times in my life and that gave me deep comfort. I will pray for a deep comfort for my dad during his times of sorrow and hard times. I know those times are coming, if they haven't come already.
I have asked many to remember my dad in their prayers. Please pray for his hope in God to return and hope in life. If he is to die of this cancer, I would want him to die a happy man with HOPE.
Thank you for hearing my heart. Death is hard and a part of life, I know, but to experience it yourself is another story. Thank you, friends. We continue our journey on FB, sharing our trials and triumphs. Today I go through the trial.
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